the first shower after, the first sleep. the first day in stockings, the first day outside. it's like a dirty little secret that hurts. it's like an all -body migrane, it's goosebumps. it's the hairs that stand up and the spine that shivers. the 'something will happen soon' the 'don't let anyone see' the 'one day, one day, one day'. it's smearing the red, the serial killers, the slaughterhouses. it's scraping away the death and starting again. the build-up, the overflow, the emptiness. like a sack full of sand with one tiny hole.